The other "F" word

             One of the most difficult traits in mastering sobriety, is dealing with feelings.. FEELings are the other"F"word everyone is uncomfortable with. I was so terrified of confrontation and expressing myself, that I had to be buzzed first. This usually led to another drink for good luck, which usually led to another
drink to go. At which point,  I would either cancel, or not remember the confrontation.
I feel lonely, gulp. I feel hungry and im too tired to cook, gulp.  I feel happy and its overwhelming, gulp.  I feel sad and I don't want to care so much, gulp. The worst, ugliest, most destructive combination of emotions...."PMS"...GULP, GULP, GULP.
           Anger, sadness, heartbreak and fear, all are experienced and dealt with in a far less dramatic and severe manner. Who would have thought? I thought I was always going to feel psychotic and insecure, afraid to express my needs.  Turns out, every sober day that passes by it gets easier and less stressful. The intake of chemicals, had pushed down all the feelings I needed to deal with, which created years of compressed emotions to reveal themselves over a period of 90 days. This is where the need for excessive amounts of exercise came in, which helped with the ridiculous amounts of chocolate intake. I had overloaded my body with years of frustration, and knew it was not going to happen overnight.  It took hours, days, weeks of focus and determination.
            The process went something like this: feelings emerged, I ate chocolate, feelings emerged, I went biking. Feelings emerged, I went walking. Feelings emerged, I read the “Big Book.” Feelings emerged, I went shopping. Until finally, one day I woke up with a clear head, a strong heart, thinner, and with a pretty hefty pay pal statement. I know that amount of money I spent online was not even half of what I use to spend of alcohol in 90 days. I still had a significant amount of brains cells left, and my dignity. I have come to realize that dealing with emotions sober, is so much easier and more productive than the alternative. Eventually, those feelings are going to come out, they most certainly should be organized and tactful.

Shots of Chocolate

         Red wine use to be my boyfriend; he was very obedient. I would keep him anywhere I wanted to and pull him out for a visit whenever I chose to. He was bittersweet, full of calories, and physiological turmoil. It was a dysfunctional relationship, it needed some serious mourning. I needed a sufficient replacement for that unfulfilled high I so craved, it was inevitable and overdue.

           

          And so my sobriety began, with chocolate ice cream, and, well, basically anything chocolate. I would take it to bed with me, that delicious half gallon, a pleasure to cuddle. Regardless of calories, I was staying sober, even if it meant gaining weight. I could hear my nurse practitioner in the back of my head saying “moment on the lips, years on the hips,” it didn't matter, it was my tongue that would enjoy the moment anyway, not my lips. I craved sweets and carbohydrate during every waking hour, and kept Reese’s next to my bed for 3 am, my midnight snack. 

        I had not experienced cravings of such since I was pregnant, which was 19 years ago and it was the longest I had stayed sober until now. I knew that scale was hitting the high end of double digits and I was prepared (gallon of skim milk). It was a trade off; I would full fill my need with another vise, this time one that ultimately would not land me in the drunk tank or a with a DUI. It was a wiser choice that eventually landed me at the gym, 30 lbs heavier, but I was sober.

             I use to write about being single and dating, the light side of life alone. It was wonderful, living the life of a city gal; happy hours and ladies nights. It didn't really matter what it was specifically happening, it could have been a boring Sunday, I would be there, dressed up, and ready to interact, show everyone how independent I was. There was so much more I was hiding, that was affecting every aspect of my life; I was suffering from alcoholism and depression. My dating and single experiences didn't end with a broken heart, they were accompanied with an awful hangover and a consistent insecurity.

           I was convinced my “social” drinking was normal, what a single lady should do because most of the media encouraged it. It was anything but social, it isolated me from the real society, healthy and productive society. I was hiding from my real feelings and I lost interest in everything. I was hiding behind makeup and a smile.

          I wanted and needed a better life, and in time, would be finding it. I have been given another opportunity to share my life with you and I am honored. This time you will see my journey through recovery and adulthood, without happy hour. So much has happened that is not always interesting, but will be rigorously honest, and hopefully a little humorous also. My name is Michelle and I am a single mother, a woman who loves living, and I am an alcoholic.