The other "F" word

             One of the most difficult traits in mastering sobriety, is dealing with feelings.. FEELings are the other"F"word everyone is uncomfortable with. I was so terrified of confrontation and expressing myself, that I had to be buzzed first. This usually led to another drink for good luck, which usually led to another
drink to go. At which point,  I would either cancel, or not remember the confrontation.
I feel lonely, gulp. I feel hungry and im too tired to cook, gulp.  I feel happy and its overwhelming, gulp.  I feel sad and I don't want to care so much, gulp. The worst, ugliest, most destructive combination of emotions...."PMS"...GULP, GULP, GULP.
           Anger, sadness, heartbreak and fear, all are experienced and dealt with in a far less dramatic and severe manner. Who would have thought? I thought I was always going to feel psychotic and insecure, afraid to express my needs.  Turns out, every sober day that passes by it gets easier and less stressful. The intake of chemicals, had pushed down all the feelings I needed to deal with, which created years of compressed emotions to reveal themselves over a period of 90 days. This is where the need for excessive amounts of exercise came in, which helped with the ridiculous amounts of chocolate intake. I had overloaded my body with years of frustration, and knew it was not going to happen overnight.  It took hours, days, weeks of focus and determination.
            The process went something like this: feelings emerged, I ate chocolate, feelings emerged, I went biking. Feelings emerged, I went walking. Feelings emerged, I read the “Big Book.” Feelings emerged, I went shopping. Until finally, one day I woke up with a clear head, a strong heart, thinner, and with a pretty hefty pay pal statement. I know that amount of money I spent online was not even half of what I use to spend of alcohol in 90 days. I still had a significant amount of brains cells left, and my dignity. I have come to realize that dealing with emotions sober, is so much easier and more productive than the alternative. Eventually, those feelings are going to come out, they most certainly should be organized and tactful.