The other "F" word

             One of the most difficult traits in mastering sobriety, is dealing with feelings.. FEELings are the other"F"word everyone is uncomfortable with. I was so terrified of confrontation and expressing myself, that I had to be buzzed first. This usually led to another drink for good luck, which usually led to another
drink to go. At which point,  I would either cancel, or not remember the confrontation.
I feel lonely, gulp. I feel hungry and im too tired to cook, gulp.  I feel happy and its overwhelming, gulp.  I feel sad and I don't want to care so much, gulp. The worst, ugliest, most destructive combination of emotions...."PMS"...GULP, GULP, GULP.
           Anger, sadness, heartbreak and fear, all are experienced and dealt with in a far less dramatic and severe manner. Who would have thought? I thought I was always going to feel psychotic and insecure, afraid to express my needs.  Turns out, every sober day that passes by it gets easier and less stressful. The intake of chemicals, had pushed down all the feelings I needed to deal with, which created years of compressed emotions to reveal themselves over a period of 90 days. This is where the need for excessive amounts of exercise came in, which helped with the ridiculous amounts of chocolate intake. I had overloaded my body with years of frustration, and knew it was not going to happen overnight.  It took hours, days, weeks of focus and determination.
            The process went something like this: feelings emerged, I ate chocolate, feelings emerged, I went biking. Feelings emerged, I went walking. Feelings emerged, I read the “Big Book.” Feelings emerged, I went shopping. Until finally, one day I woke up with a clear head, a strong heart, thinner, and with a pretty hefty pay pal statement. I know that amount of money I spent online was not even half of what I use to spend of alcohol in 90 days. I still had a significant amount of brains cells left, and my dignity. I have come to realize that dealing with emotions sober, is so much easier and more productive than the alternative. Eventually, those feelings are going to come out, they most certainly should be organized and tactful.

Shots of Chocolate

         Red wine use to be my boyfriend; he was very obedient. I would keep him anywhere I wanted to and pull him out for a visit whenever I chose to. He was bittersweet, full of calories, and physiological turmoil. It was a dysfunctional relationship, it needed some serious mourning. I needed a sufficient replacement for that unfulfilled high I so craved, it was inevitable and overdue.

           

          And so my sobriety began, with chocolate ice cream, and, well, basically anything chocolate. I would take it to bed with me, that delicious half gallon, a pleasure to cuddle. Regardless of calories, I was staying sober, even if it meant gaining weight. I could hear my nurse practitioner in the back of my head saying “moment on the lips, years on the hips,” it didn't matter, it was my tongue that would enjoy the moment anyway, not my lips. I craved sweets and carbohydrate during every waking hour, and kept Reese’s next to my bed for 3 am, my midnight snack. 

        I had not experienced cravings of such since I was pregnant, which was 19 years ago and it was the longest I had stayed sober until now. I knew that scale was hitting the high end of double digits and I was prepared (gallon of skim milk). It was a trade off; I would full fill my need with another vise, this time one that ultimately would not land me in the drunk tank or a with a DUI. It was a wiser choice that eventually landed me at the gym, 30 lbs heavier, but I was sober.

             I use to write about being single and dating, the light side of life alone. It was wonderful, living the life of a city gal; happy hours and ladies nights. It didn't really matter what it was specifically happening, it could have been a boring Sunday, I would be there, dressed up, and ready to interact, show everyone how independent I was. There was so much more I was hiding, that was affecting every aspect of my life; I was suffering from alcoholism and depression. My dating and single experiences didn't end with a broken heart, they were accompanied with an awful hangover and a consistent insecurity.

           I was convinced my “social” drinking was normal, what a single lady should do because most of the media encouraged it. It was anything but social, it isolated me from the real society, healthy and productive society. I was hiding from my real feelings and I lost interest in everything. I was hiding behind makeup and a smile.

          I wanted and needed a better life, and in time, would be finding it. I have been given another opportunity to share my life with you and I am honored. This time you will see my journey through recovery and adulthood, without happy hour. So much has happened that is not always interesting, but will be rigorously honest, and hopefully a little humorous also. My name is Michelle and I am a single mother, a woman who loves living, and I am an alcoholic.

Old fashion common sense consideration

In the year 2011, you would hope that we would all realize how important it is to be considerate.  However, I think some people missed the moral train to society. Donald Trump for instance, is famous for being highly successful at finances and building billion dollar empire; do you think a man with such financial prestige would be tactful enough to lower his voice while publicly doubting the President of the United States?

Facebook was created on the basis of Social and Intellectual comparison; a  network to link prestigious college students to one another for options of meeting and/or dating. However, the origin of the idea came from the anger of the inventor at his X girlfriend and intentions of humiliating her, along with thousands of other female college students for revenge.

Being able to communicate with our family and friends on a long distance basis has been the magnificent outcome of this both fortunate and unfortunate event. Yet,do we remember the importance of being careful and polite with our posting and comments? It seems as though in order to learn lessons and set boundaries, it is crucial to be at our strongest emotionally, while setting tactful boundaries; hence,"common sense consideration."

Honesty is always the best policy, but when hundreds or thousand of people can view your thoughts, what are the rules of posting? I am sure we have much to learn about ourselves and each other, and cannot help to wonder what the true intentional comments are about, if not positive/considerate?

I have on occasion disabled my Facebook account and taken a break, after learning of several hurtful comments or possible unintentional inappropriate remarks, and so I am on the defense about who I allow into my life or most intimate, personal thoughts with.

Some people find themselves overwhelmed and scared, some are more open, and  some great relationships are found again: ; made from scratch.

It is most positive that we are priveleged to have all of the options to choose what we desire; freedom of speech, and freedom of choosing who we allow in our lives.

Keeping in mind the Karma of Common Sense Consideration.

We are very lucky.

The importance of cleaning out your closet of people

Throughout my life, I have been repeatedly told by just about half of the people I've encountered, something negative. Most of the time it was something that was directed at me, and this has taken to until now to get over. 
 It is really frustrating and sad if you think about it; why would someone want to say cruel and intentionally spiritually crushing comments?

In a modern world with so much technology, books that can be read online and in your hand online, and tons of information to get us through the hard times, why do some people yet feel the need to externalize what they are feeling internally? I am stumped.

For years I tolerated it and kept hoping that the person/situation would change(exhausted myself with advice and also stuffing away those feelings these people/situations gave me). However, they are gut feelings and your instincts will save you, they saved me.

I have recently started putting my energy into positive things and positive friends. I have cut ties with people who I found myself second guessing my true personality around. It is the best decision I have made in years and I have gained energy and self esteem doing  it. It wasn't easy; setting boundaries, being honest, and weaning the bad apples out, but it was extremely needed and essentially beneficial.

I found myself becoming negative to the positive/healthy friends/situations I encountered because  I was becoming what It was I experiencing. This needed to end, so I started doing a people/environment "cleaning out my closet," (no pun intended although appropriate.

I wasn't quite sure what would happen during this process, some people reacted very angrily and hostile, hence verifying that they needed to go.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are giving more than taking in a friendship or environment (i.e. work,social networks) its time to evaluate the situation and decide whether the relationship is healthy for you or not. Try setting boundaries and see if that works, if not, phase two is removing yourself completely.

When you get that sick feeling in your stomach while in the presence of an individual; friend, colleague, or spouse, go with your gut, it will save your sanity in the end.

There are wonderful people out there waiting to experience a healthy friendships and  journeys to share with you!