The other "F" word

             One of the most difficult traits in mastering sobriety, is dealing with feelings.. FEELings are the other"F"word everyone is uncomfortable with. I was so terrified of confrontation and expressing myself, that I had to be buzzed first. This usually led to another drink for good luck, which usually led to another
drink to go. At which point,  I would either cancel, or not remember the confrontation.
I feel lonely, gulp. I feel hungry and im too tired to cook, gulp.  I feel happy and its overwhelming, gulp.  I feel sad and I don't want to care so much, gulp. The worst, ugliest, most destructive combination of emotions...."PMS"...GULP, GULP, GULP.
           Anger, sadness, heartbreak and fear, all are experienced and dealt with in a far less dramatic and severe manner. Who would have thought? I thought I was always going to feel psychotic and insecure, afraid to express my needs.  Turns out, every sober day that passes by it gets easier and less stressful. The intake of chemicals, had pushed down all the feelings I needed to deal with, which created years of compressed emotions to reveal themselves over a period of 90 days. This is where the need for excessive amounts of exercise came in, which helped with the ridiculous amounts of chocolate intake. I had overloaded my body with years of frustration, and knew it was not going to happen overnight.  It took hours, days, weeks of focus and determination.
            The process went something like this: feelings emerged, I ate chocolate, feelings emerged, I went biking. Feelings emerged, I went walking. Feelings emerged, I read the “Big Book.” Feelings emerged, I went shopping. Until finally, one day I woke up with a clear head, a strong heart, thinner, and with a pretty hefty pay pal statement. I know that amount of money I spent online was not even half of what I use to spend of alcohol in 90 days. I still had a significant amount of brains cells left, and my dignity. I have come to realize that dealing with emotions sober, is so much easier and more productive than the alternative. Eventually, those feelings are going to come out, they most certainly should be organized and tactful.

The importance of cleaning out your closet of people

Throughout my life, I have been repeatedly told by just about half of the people I've encountered, something negative. Most of the time it was something that was directed at me, and this has taken to until now to get over. 
 It is really frustrating and sad if you think about it; why would someone want to say cruel and intentionally spiritually crushing comments?

In a modern world with so much technology, books that can be read online and in your hand online, and tons of information to get us through the hard times, why do some people yet feel the need to externalize what they are feeling internally? I am stumped.

For years I tolerated it and kept hoping that the person/situation would change(exhausted myself with advice and also stuffing away those feelings these people/situations gave me). However, they are gut feelings and your instincts will save you, they saved me.

I have recently started putting my energy into positive things and positive friends. I have cut ties with people who I found myself second guessing my true personality around. It is the best decision I have made in years and I have gained energy and self esteem doing  it. It wasn't easy; setting boundaries, being honest, and weaning the bad apples out, but it was extremely needed and essentially beneficial.

I found myself becoming negative to the positive/healthy friends/situations I encountered because  I was becoming what It was I experiencing. This needed to end, so I started doing a people/environment "cleaning out my closet," (no pun intended although appropriate.

I wasn't quite sure what would happen during this process, some people reacted very angrily and hostile, hence verifying that they needed to go.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are giving more than taking in a friendship or environment (i.e. work,social networks) its time to evaluate the situation and decide whether the relationship is healthy for you or not. Try setting boundaries and see if that works, if not, phase two is removing yourself completely.

When you get that sick feeling in your stomach while in the presence of an individual; friend, colleague, or spouse, go with your gut, it will save your sanity in the end.

There are wonderful people out there waiting to experience a healthy friendships and  journeys to share with you!